Tuesday, February 10, 2015

I haven't posted anything on this blog for a very long time. But I wanted to share something with you all, especially as I know that not many people know this. Also because I had a terrible nights sleep last night, I couldn't sleep until 6am. So I redesigned my blog and decided I would try my best to use it again from now on. What I am about to share with you is something I try very hard not to use this as an excuse and hold me back from accomplishments. But I also want people to know, then you will hopefully understand why my goals seem more difficult, and why that makes me even more passionate about reaching them. 
I have CFS and have had it for about seven years now. 

I have been severely depressed. I have hated myself, my body and my mind. I have hated everyone around me. I believed my family thought I was pathetic and were disappointed in me. I believed that most of the time I didn’t deserve food. I believed that the fact I struggled through high school, would ruin my entire life and because of which, would leave a giant strain on my parents for the rest of theirs. There was a time I believed I didn’t deserve to live anymore. That if I had them, I would take a bottle of sleeping pills so I could finally be asleep. And that the sleep would be forever. 

I suffer from constant tiredness, even now when I would consider myself 'better'. Which often leaves me feeling very down. I can forget to eat, to shower, to brush my teeth, to tidy my room, to meet with my friends - the list goes on. My everyday is like a how you would most likely feel having the flu. I get headaches/dizziness nearly every single day, my muscles can ache from doing very little and I can feel nauseous for no reason. When I do actually get a viral infection it stays around a lot longer than in most people, because my immune system is so low. I can also get exhausted and unable to do much for weeks, just from one busy day. Even though most people can only rely on themselves to sleep and wake up. My sleeping patterns are so unpredictable that I can’t even rely on myself for that. I can’t honestly tell you what time I’ll go to bed tonight, or when I’ll be up tomorrow. I can only guess. As you can imagine it’s very frustrating, especially when you want to go out and make plans. Which has led me becoming a bit of a recluse. Sometimes I’ll get insomnia spells and I'll be awake at 2pm in the afternoon, having not slept yet. I experience bad anxiety when I know I need to sleep, and when I know I need to be up at a certain time in the morning. Along with social anxiety/mild panic attacks in crowds of people, as I spend most of my time alone in my quiet room. 
Overtime I have learnt to enjoy my own company. To not to beat myself up for something that is out of my control. I have learnt to present myself in whatever way I want, including style and makeup. Even if it means being overdressed, with what some would consider a full face of makeup, a lot of the time. I have learnt my parents were never once disappointed in me. They love and support me in whatever I do. They were so proud that I managed to only sit one exam in high school, as it was so challenging for me to do. They were proud that I tried going to college, as it was a big step. I have learnt to love my body (flaws and all) and my confidence has soared. I’m now expressing myself through photographs and my style. Hopefully now laying the foundations to live out my dream of becoming a vintage style model. When I receive positive feedback on my photos, whether it be likes or comments (or reblogs on tumblr) I am truly thankful. When I say thank you, I mean it from the very bottom of my heart. I am often nearly in cry tears of joy, because of how wonderful your comments are! I still tend to beat myself up over my ‘skills’, as I’m very self critical and still don't feel I'm good enough (from my photography, hair/makeup, to editing) but it's something I'm learning to overcome, and something I won't stop. I have wanted to photograph my outfits and do OTTD (outfit of the day) style posts. But I'm rarely out of my pyjamas and so I'm afraid it hasn't been a realistic want. Now with the success of my tutorials, I’m finally finding a little meaning and structure to my current life. That I am entirely grateful for. It takes me about a 5 days to complete a video, from preparation to uploading it onto YouTube. Mainly due to tiredness and lack of concentration. But it gives me something to look forward to, get beautified for, to do, to edit, to build confidence over and to get happiness from. 

So you see, you may think I’m just another girl taking pictures of herself. But I hope you realise everything I do, no matter how small, or insignificant they seem. They mean the world to me. Each step may be small for someone else, but to me each step is huge. So please, submit tutorial ideas, give me images to edit, inspire and encourage me to take more self portraits. Because it's you, the one that is caring enough to reading this, that is keeping me going. 
Thank you!

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  1. Wow. What a woman. You are a true inspiration. I can't wait to see what the future holds for you. And if you spend most of the time in your PJs - you better have some FINE ASS nightwear! <3 xxxx